23 Ways to cope with grief

Although we talk about different ways to cope with grief, they serve as suggestions only.

Your grief is unique to you. And no right or wrong way of grieving exists.

Textbooks talk about stages of grief - denial, anger, depression and self-pity, bargaining and acceptance. But when someone you love dies, textbook knowledge means nothing.

Emotionally, you may feel highly charged or the complete opposite, numb. Since the complicated grieving process doesn't necessarily flow in an orderly way, expect to regress at times.

Although eventually you seem to heal, you and your life never remain the same. You don't get over the loss; you just try very hard to carry on living.

Grieving takes time. No shortcuts can make you heal faster, it needs to happen at your own pace.

There's also no single way of dealing with grief that works for everyone. So don't worry if your experiences differ from others.

Below are a collection of ways to cope with grief. Choose those which appeal to you and discard the rest.

1. Cry as much as you need to, for as long as you need to, and let your emotions out. Be as weak as you want. Bottling up feelings damages your relationships with other people.

2. Don't feel guilty about what happened. Nothing could have prevented the tragedy and you can't change the past. Dwelling on on why it happened and what you could have done differently, makes coping even more difficult.

3. No matter what your culture, most people find comfort in a spiritual relationship of some sort. If you are reading this at http://InspiringDevotional.com you're most likely a Christian, in which case God, prayer and the fellowship of others will play a large role in your grief recovery. You may find the book of Psalms helpful. If you belong to a church, weekly worship, hymns and praise will ward off loneliness and feeling disconnected. The members of the congregation will also be especially supportive.

4. Tread a fine line between spending time alone with the pain, and staying connected to others because the stress of grief is too big a burden to bear alone.

5. Ask for help when you need it. In the beginning logistical things will need doing, for example organizing the funeral. Call people, reach out to them. They want something specific they can do for you.

6. Accept hospitality and generosity from friends and family. People want to help and feel needed. Some day the roles will be reversed and you'll be the comforter.

7. Get the family together and take turns talking about your feelings. Amidst the tears and laughter you'll remember the good times.

8. If the family is scattered geographically, arrange a time when you can phone each other every day. You'll look forward to the constancy.

9. Being able to speak freely to someone who understands and cares, makes a difference. Perhaps a close friend or even a stranger who enters your life and plays an important role in your healing. Be open to everyone. Remember, the Lord works in mysterious ways.

10. Joining support groups gives you opportunities to share your experiences and feelings with others. They may introduce you to other ways to cope with grief that help you. Although strangers, you identify with each other's pain. The hospice organisation has some wonderful programs that can help with your recovery.

11. If you can't find a bereavement support group in your area, join one on the internet. The advantage of online support is you can speak to like-minded people at any time of day or night. You may prefer a smaller, more intimate group rather than a large one. Or it may not matter. Start by reading what other people have written. Then when you feel comfortable, join in. The group will welcome you and discussions on their ways to cope with grief will enlighten you.

12. If you still feel overwhelmed, consider counseling or seeing a life coach, preferably someone who understands grief. The whole family could even go together - there is little point in you healing while the rest remain distraught.

13. Express your feelings in writing. A journal serves as a wonderful outlet for your thoughts. We're not talking about grammatically perfect and well constructed sentences. We're talking about stream of consciousness writing where you write down whatever comes into your mind. No one else will ever see this. Later on, if you wish, go back and read your entries. Or you can blog about the process if you would like to share your thoughts with others.

14. Write thank you cards or notes to everyone who helps you. Instead of feeling helpless and alone, you'll feel grateful and give thanks for the love and support you receive.

15. Read about other ways to cope with grief and bereavement. There are a multitude of grief recovery handbooks that can help ease the pain.

16. Have inspirational reading like When the Storms Come on hand to provide you with a dose of daily courage.

17. Was there something that mattered deeply to your loved one? A project he or she started? Perhaps you could carry on with their work and make it happen - to serve as a tribute to them.

18. Help others, perhaps by volunteering with an organization. Focussing your attention outside of yourself, on people in trouble, makes you aware some endure far worse suffering than you. Helping them makes a positive difference to their lives and yours.

19. One woman had the ashes of her late husband put into a teddy bear which she cuddled as she cried herself to sleep. The teddy bear also accompanied the family on holidays so her husband continued being part of the family. This may not suit everyone, but it worked well for this family.

20. Keep a normal routine. Wake up, bath or shower, get dressed, have regular meals, and at night go to bed around the same time. A structure helps you cope with the disruptive events and emotions you experience.

21. Avoid making major decisions. In a year's time if you still want to sell the house and move to a different country, do so. But don't rush into anything major.

22. Take care of yourself by eating healthily. Grieving is stressful and hard work. Avoid the temptation of numbing the pain with food or alcohol. It just prolongs the grieving process and at the end you will have the additional problem of an eating disorder or being an alcoholic.

23. On the anniversary of your loss, do something special to commemorate your loved one. It will be a difficult day, as will major holidays and birthdays.

No matter what pain you endure while grieving, you will survive. Take it one day at a time. If thinking is too painful, still your thoughts and savor the silence. Then do what needs to be done - chores, tending the children or getting a job.

These ways to cope with grief may help you along your journey. But it's one you travel alone. Afterwards you and your priorities change. You'll always miss your loved one, but they live forever in your heart.

May God be with you.