Explaining death of a pet to children

In an attempt to shield them from pain, you may avoid explaining death of a pet to children. But they develop close bonds with their pets and deserve the chance to be involved and share their stories, despite being tearful. That way they get closure too.

Trying to protect your children by saying the pet ran away, does them a disservice. Instead of accepting the loss, they'll wait for the pet to return, and refuse to accept a replacement because it would be a betrayal to the original pet.

If the animal had to be put to sleep, describe the difference between ordinary sleep and death because you don't want them being afraid of falling asleep at bedtime. Tell them, "Suzy won't wake up, but she is happy and no longer in pain."

When explaining death of a pet to children, avoid saying things like, "God took Suzy," because then they'll be afraid God will take them, their parents or siblings too, and that God is cruel.

So in addition to coping with your own grief, you have the added responsibility of helping them deal with the loss of their pet.

This may be their first brush with death, which in itself can be confusing and traumatizing.

Although children generally recover from grief faster than adults, they may be more sensitive to the loss of a family pet than adults, and their pain is equally intense.

You are the best judge of how much information they can handle. But don't under-estimate them. Include them in what is happening and answer questions about grief, death and dying as honestly as you can. Completely unfounded ideas they may have about death can immediately be set straight.

With lots of cuddles and patience, help them understand how temporary life is, allowing them to feel the pain of their loss and to express their feelings. Avoid saying, "Boys don't cry," "Don't be sad," or "Be strong."

Instead, encourage them to talk about their loss and how they feel, to talk to you, the rest of the family, their friends and the community.

Comfort them, find out what they are thinking and reassure them.

When explaining death of a pet to children watch them and encourage them to talk. They'll keep on bringing up the topic of death, grief and sadness, which is great; talking helps them heal. Children also learn from this ordeal their parents or guardians can be relied on to provide comfort, reassurance and truthful answers.

Think of death, or in fact any intensely emotional situation, as a huge ball looming above you. Every time you think or talk about it, you release a few tiny bubbles. If you do that often enough, you are less likely to be overwhelmed by the size or pressure of the fast diminishing burden, until eventually you are able to think of your pet or situation with quiet calm.

Lots of little chats help more than one long session.

Let their teacher know about the loss of the family pet so she will be sensitive to what your child is going through.

Expressing your sadness in front of and with your children, reassures them that it's okay to feel sad and to cry.

Have a funeral, a memorial service of some sort and a moment of silence. Take a walk somewhere your pet enjoyed and savor the memories with your children.

• children younger than five years old

Children younger than five years old don't usually understand the permanent nature of death, so they expect the pet to come back. Patiently make it clear that when pets die, they don't return.

If they had ever been angry with the pet, they may feel responsible and blame themselves. Reassure them that nothing they did was the reason the pet died.

Some children see death as contagious. Again set their mind at ease that no one else is going to die.

• children six to ten years old

Children six to ten year olds may worry about themselves dying. Again be patient when explaining death of a pet to children in this age group. Reassure them they're not about to die soon. Expect their sleep, toilet and eating habits to change.

If your child would like a funeral, have one. It's a helpful way for him to say goodbye. And rushing out to get a new pet isn't a good idea.

• children ten to twelve years old

Children around this age group understand death is forever. They may be less worried about themselves dying, and more worried about their parents dying. Discuss things openly with them because they'll experience grief and loss similarly to you.

Sometimes even months later they reveal their fears by clinging to you, withdrawing from people and activities, lacking concentration with their behavior becoming more child-like or anti-social.

• teenagers

When grieving, adolescents react similarly to adults. Denial is probably the dominant emotion. They repress the pain, show little outward emotion, but feel deep sorrow inside.

As a parent, explaining death of a pet to children is a momentous event, because it shapes their beliefs and attitudes probably for the rest of their lives.