Grieving the loss of a pet

Grieving the loss of a pet is heartbreaking for an animal lover.

Regardless of size or breed - from a hamster to a horse, but more likely a cat or dog - all these defenseless creatures want from us is food, shelter and love.

And what they give us in return is immeasurable. Their endearing ability to burrow into our heart results in us often caring more for them than we do people.

You consider them vital members of the family and often take them more often to the vet than you go to the doctor.

Or perhaps you need to go to the doctor less because they lower your blood pressure, reduce your heart rate, make you feel special and combat loneliness.

For some people they become substitutes for a spouse, friend, child or parent. Or they possess the qualities you would like in a spouse - patience, trust, faithfulness, devotion, affection and playfulness.

Their adorable antics amuse you, their exuberant welcome when you return home after a day at the office warms your heart, your connection with them adds immense richness to otherwise quite ordinary lives.

They love you unconditionally, providing loyal companionship and unwavering affection. Relative to people, animals sadly live short lives which means their owners find themselves grieving the loss of a pet more often than they would like.

When they die

No matter if the death was sudden or expected, the loss of a beloved pet is devastating.

Physically you may lose interest in eating and have difficulty focusing and sleeping. Emotionally you are gutted.

Adjusting to the loss of a true friend and constant presence takes time. Your routine changes - no more dog walks, no more dog school, no more cuddling or having them curled up by your side.

You no longer have that source of non-judgmental love and companionship. The single and elderly in particular, may feel they have nothing left to nurture.

Touch is therapeutic. Stroking and cuddling a responsive pet is truly one of life's joys. Without that, life may seem barren.

Grieving the loss of a pet is painful but sidestepping your grief slows the healing process and serves no purpose. More difficult but preferable, is to acknowledge and examine your feelings, perhaps of guilt and anger; come to terms with them and decide if they are warranted.

Lack of support

Psychologists recognize that for a pet-lover, the trauma associated with losing a pet is the same as the death of a person. But because of the unexpected intensity of your grief, you feel confused, lost and unable to cope.

When a person dies, the community rallies around you, providing much needed support. But when a pet dies, such understanding is missing. Society generally doesn't give you permission to grieve openly for your loss, leaving bereaved pet owners feeling isolated and alone.

Probably only your family appreciate how much your pet meant to you. Others may love their pets as much as you do yours, but to them, yours was just an animal and they don't place the same value on your pet as you did. Remember too, not everyone has been lucky enough to know the blessings a dog or cat can add to your life.

Because of the intense bond you shared with your pet, you need to grieve, to feel sadness and sorrow, regardless of what others think, and while grieving the loss of a pet you deserve support.

How to get support

Get plenty of rest, eat well and exercise. Be kind to yourself. Indulge yourself with small pleasures.

Listen to music that resonates with your soul. Write, sing, draw, paint, to express your feelings associated with grief, regardless of how "good" your work is.

Draw strength from your Higher Power, whether religious or spiritual.

Accept you'll have relapses of sadness and appear to backslide.

Surround yourself with positive friends and people who understand the pain of your loss. Share your burden with them and let them care for you.

If your family and friends don't sufficiently appreciate the extent of your loss, look beyond your immediate circle for support while grieving the loss of a pet.

Perhaps your veterinarian or someone sympathetic who works there, a trainer from dog school, a groomer if you regularly visit a parlor, or a pet lover you know, would do. Just make sure it's someone you feel comfortable, crying and sharing with.

Online there are pet loss and bereavement support groups which may provide the understanding you need.

If the death of your pet revives unresolved issues from your past, meet with a professional counselor or someone from your church.

Draw upon your own reserves. How have you dealt with other losses in your life? Although you've changed as a person since then, might that help you in any way with this loss?

Learn about and understand grief so you realize what you're experiencing is normal and are better equipped to work your way through the process, resulting in you some day thinking of your pet with smiles rather than tears.

Take your time. Know that to some extent time does heal, the grief will pass, and one day life will become pleasant again.

The grieving process

The grieving process occurs when a loved one dies, people and animals alike, so grieving the loss of a pet is real and normal. You know how much your pet meant to you so give yourself permission to grieve.

Grieving is unpredictable. The stages are not always experienced in the same order, in the same intensity and for the same duration. It can last weeks, months or even years; dictate your own time-line for mourning. No matter how long it takes, be patient and compassionate with yourself.

Your feelings

While grieving the loss of a pet, don't be strong. Although some people go through private pain, expressing your grief outwardly by crying, raging, telling stories and seeking comfort from others, often results in a shorter and less painful grieving process.

Talking is a great way to get perspective. Be honest about your feelings, and pay attention to them. Feeling sad indicates you need to slow down and mourn your loss.

Refuse to justify or feel you have to explain your mourning to anyone.

The intensity of your grief is affected by your age, your personality, how your pet died - an accident, disease, old age; the relationship you had with him or her, how many friends and family members you have, and if you have recently lost a significant person in your life.

This deeply sad period is actually an opportunity for personal growth, spiritually and emotionally. Thanks to your pet, your life will always be happier because of the time you shared with each other. And he or she will remain in your heart forever.

Should you have a funeral?

Appreciate the special role your pet played in your life - it was her gift to you. Now pay tribute to him or her.

If funerals depress you and you would rather find another way to mourn the loss of your pet, don't have one.

But if you feel a funeral will help you begin mourning, it would be a way of honoring your pet, and it would help you or your children say goodbye, have one.

It could follow whatever format you wish. It could be private, just something for you and your immediate family. Or you could invite anyone who knew and loved your pet.

You could have it in your back garden, the park, woods or any other meaningful place. Include any readings and music you feel appropriate.

Instead of a funeral you may prefer to have a memorial service for your pet, a ceremony and/or cremation.

Healing

To help you heal, consider journaling. Think back to when your pet first came into your life, page or scroll through photographs, remembering milestones in your lives and above all, be grateful for the joy she added to your life. Your memories make her immortal to you.

Grieving the loss of a pet includes finding a way to say goodbye. You could prepare a collection of photographs taken throughout your beloved pet's life, or you could write about your memories, thoughts and experiences you shared as a family with her.

You could have a special place for her ashes or a memorial plaque. In your home you could have a corner filled with a photograph and a candle, a favorite toy of hers, flowers, a key chain, some meaningful symbol of your relationship with her, or perhaps an urn holding her ashes.

In your pet's memory you could contribute to a humane society which helps those who can't afford pet care.

Any of these and others, help with your recovery by providing much needed closure.

Do pets grieve?

Pets are observant. They immediately notice changes in the household including the fact that one of them is no longer there.

Sometimes they forge close bonds with each other, but even pets who didn't particularly like or barely tolerated each other, display stress when separated.

They may become listless, show little interest in food, walk around with their tail drooping, sigh a lot, become anxious or depressed, look for the absent pet, perhaps they'll greet you more enthusiastically when you return home or be more needy for affection. Come to think of it, they actually display similar symptoms to their bereaved pet owner.

Not only does one dog miss another dog, he will also miss a cat if the cat died. And vice versa.

So yes, the surviving pets do seem to grieve.

Should you show the surviving pet the body of their companion for one last smell?

There is no evidence to suggest this helps the survivor. But if you would feel better that you have given your pet the opportunity to say goodbye, then do so.

While you're grieving the loss of a pet, initially shower your remaining pets with love, gradually reverting to the normal amount of affection because you don't want them experiencing anxiety separation.

Pets thrive on routine, so keep their routines as normal as possible. If they show little interest in food, don't force them, and neither should you keep on putting different food out. They'll eat again when they're hungry.

In a multi-pet household, a new hierarchy or pecking order needs to be established. There may be some scuffles in the fight for dominance. If minor don't interfere, but if nastier, feed them in separate areas until things stabilize.

The love and presence of your surviving pets will be a great comfort for you and help you heal after the loss of your pet so enjoy them.

Getting a new pet

Avoid immediately replacing the deceased pet unless you feel emotionally ready for it. A young pup or kitten requires energy on your part and if you are still grieving the loss of a pet, you may not feel up to it.

How long should you wait before getting a new pet? Some people say a month or two. But it is up to you.

Generally you need time to process your grief before being ready to build a new relationship. On the other hand, you may be one of the few who feel the demands of a new pet are what you need to help you focus on something positive.

When our beloved black labrador-cross Suzy was euthanased, I didn't ever want another dog.

Three months later my sister brought home a seven-week-old pup who I immediately fell in love with. Who wouldn't?

Five years later a small one-year-old dog joined us.

The three of us have been together for a year now, and I am happier than I ever thought possible.

You may wish to rescue a new puppy or kitten from the animal shelter. Or you may never wish to have another pet again. There is no right and wrong. It depends on you, your grief process and how you have coped.

If you decide to get another pet, perhaps avoid getting one that looks just like the one you have lost, where you are more likely to make comparisons. You might try a different breed or perhaps a cat instead of a dog. Whatever you decide, give her a different name and different nicknames, and let her own personality emerge.

When you get a new pet it should be because you are ready to move on and build a new relationship with another wonderful pet, rather than constantly looking back at the pet you have lost.

Follow your instincts. You'll know when the time is right for a new furry companion and start another loving adventure without feeling guilty about "replacing" your old pet.

If you already have other pets, they may not take kindly to a new addition. But give them time and new bonds of affection will grow.

If you'd like a formal guide for grieving the loss of a pet, read this.

I wish you peace.