How to help someone else cope with grief

When a friend or colleague loses someone she loves, what should you do?

How can you help someone else cope with grief?

My experience has been that grief takes years to work through and is an intensely individual experience.

But after reading more I learned everyone's response to loss is different. Although you can't make grieving people feel better, you can help them by doing the following:

1. Refer to the death and offer condolences, rather than avoid the subject.

2. Even if you feel awkward and your reaction to them seems strange, show you care by hugging. Physical touch by someone who cares, creates a powerful bond.

3. Offer practical support like cooking, looking after the children, and then doing it.

4. Avoid clichés like, "Think of the good times," "It was God's will," "At least it was quick and she didn't suffer," "God never gives us more than we can bear."

5. Don't say you know how she feels. You don't. Focus on her and not you.

6. Spend time with her.

7. Allow there to be silences. You're not expected to fill the quiet with inane chatter. Sometimes the bereaved person needs more visits and less words.

8. Being willing to listen in an accepting way is a wonderful gift.

9. Encourage her to talk openly about the deceased, even asking the occasional question. It helps create lovely memories and forms an important part of healing.

10. Refer to the dead person by name.

11. Expect her to cry. You as the comforter, may also become tearful.

12. Birthdays, holidays, death dates and anniversaries prove especially painful and can trigger setbacks. Plan ahead for these days and ensure she is not alone.

13. An activity you can do together, like going for a walk in a natural setting, gives the opportunity to talk while at the same time giving her body a gentle workout.

14. Don't push her into socialising before she's ready.

15. When you help someone else cope with grief, look out for danger signs like weight loss, major depression, substance abuse, talk of suicide and poor personal hygiene. These indicators may suggest professional help is needed.