How to write a eulogy?

What is a eulogy?

An epitaph is an inscription on a gravestone.

An elegy is a poem, often about a dead person.

And a eulogy is a speech about a deceased person, normally made during a funeral.

"Eulogy" actually means blessing or commendation and is defined as a laudatory speech or written tribute, praising someone who died.

A eulogy is a brief (five minutes, ten at the most) heart-felt tribute delivered at a funeral in memory of a loved one. Being brief is key.

Delivering a eulogy honors, recognizes and celebrates the deceased's life and serves as a farewell gift to him. It comforts the people in attendance, offers them solace, educates them about this person's life and serves as an opportunity to share light-hearted memories.

In a nutshell, how to write a eulogy entails bringing the person to life in the imaginations and hearts of the audience, rather than condensing a lifetime into a fact sheet.

The most touching and meaningful eulogies come from the heart.

Who delivers the eulogy?

Someone who knew the deceased well - a family member, good friend or colleague - usually delivers the eulogy. Or if you wish, a few people could stand up and take turns to share their memories.

If not family of the deceased, ask them if they would like anything in particular included or if they would like to say something at the funeral.

Delivering a eulogy is a simple but difficult act. Reminiscing while overwhelmed by emotion and still in the early stages of grief, hurts.

But giving a eulogy helps you heal by getting in the last word when defining a loved one's life.

An important job for the deceased and for everyone attending the funeral, so if you don't feel up to it, decline.

If unsure how to write a eulogy, get pointers from someone who did it well, listen to other people's eulogies for inspiration, or carry on reading this article.

What does a eulogy contain?

• information about the deceased

A brief summary of their life history.

Details about their family and marriage.

Who they were, what they did and what they enjoyed about life.

In order to gather facts, meet with family, close friends and colleagues of the deceased.

Include:

their age and date of birth
family and close relationships
education, work, career
hobbies and special interests
places the person lived or places they travelled to
special achievements
their character

• your own memories

Think about your favorite memories of the deceased and make the eulogy personal:

how you met them
things you did together
what you'll miss most about them.

Include a mix of amusing and touching stories, anecdotes and experiences which best capture their personality.

Gather a collection of great stories of the deceased, focussing on happy memories.

Describe mannerisms and small truths people recognize, for example when she pondered what you said, she would tilt her head to the left and touch her cheek with her index finger.

Don't idealize the dead, editing them into people no-one recognizes; instead honor their quirks.

Avoid similes and clichés.

Include character traits and values important to them.

Mention remaining family and what they meant to the deceased.

Highlight special talents, skills or accomplishments.

Instead of listing a lifetime of mundane, summarize the essence of their life, honing in on things unique to your loved one.

Then end with a favorite or meaningful poem.

• poems, readings, scripture, songs

Funeral poems, generally sad in nature either composed or chosen by loved ones for the deceased.

How to write a eulogy

Because of the responsibility, it may take hours to prepare.

Organize all the notes you collected, either manually on individual pieces of paper or index cards, or use your computer, whichever you find easier.

Create an outline and fill in your notes.

Write the speech from your heart as though you're talking, without being stiff, formal and depressing

An equal mix of serious and light-hearted tone works well; serious enough for people to grieve appropriately, yet humorous enough for people to celebrate the deceased's life, lighten the mood and begin healing. Just remember, humor is acceptable, comedy is not.

The eulogy should end with hope and give the bereaved words of encouragement.

Common ways of how to write a eulogy

• chronological or life history

Either from the beginning of their life, or from the present working backwards.

• shared memories

Probably the simplest and most moving because you rely on your memories rather than factual research.

• tribute or legacy

Tributes often appear in newspapers as obituaries. They highlight achievements and accomplishments.

A legacy is similar but with a more personal slant covers the family he or she left behind.

• three points

This popular way of organizing a speech centres on three points you want to make about the deceased. Talk about each point and then summarize them.

• develop a special theme

While gathering recollections from people, a theme may emerge, for example how she went out of her way to help people, or how she liked a challenge, then write the eulogy around that.

How to write a eulogy format

Start with a story, statement or question and insert quotes by the deceased wherever you wish. The opening should be powerful so you might want to write it last.

The body of your eulogy makes up the bulk of speech.

Close with a poem, favorite reading, scripture, or song. You could end with a question, but include an answer too.

If you wish, add a poem written by yourself or choose a well-suited funeral poem. Collections as well as individual poems abound on the internet.

Handy eulogy templates exist, which may or may not work for you.

Eulogy outline

Some people can speak eloquently with little preparation. If you're one of them, it might be tempting to just wing it, but would do your beloved an injustice. Rather, thoughtfully and carefully prepare your eulogy, making abundant use of outlines and notes.

In how to write a eulogy, start by writing down ten words which describe the person who died - good, bad, humorous, serious.

Jot down a short note about various experiences you shared with this person.

Ensure your facts are correct. Leave unclear dates or names out. Establish correct pronunciations of unusual names of significant people.

If a story you want to tell comes in different versions, such as the night she met her husband, include both.

Add something humorous the deceased would have enjoyed.

If the person committed suicide, speak about her youth, or the person she was before her difficulties began. Overlooking the bad and talking about her good points will remind her family how precious she was to them. Perhaps mention that life presents us with problems and some people cope better than others. Knowing she's now found peace fills her family with hope.

Organize your facts in a meaningful way.

An outline proves invaluable for those wanting to know how to write a eulogy.

• It helps you focus
• gives organization to your eulogy
• makes the writing process easier
• helps you break the eulogy into smaller pieces, so you don't forget important details.

The more details you include in your outline, the easier writing will be.

While a structured outline helps, 'free association' where you write down whatever comes to mind, whether logical or not, stimulates creative thought.

Go back, number your thoughts in an order that makes sense, and omit any unnecessary sections.

If you can't think of anything to write, write a letter to the deceased.

Or try speaking into a recorder. When you give a eulogy you want it to sound more like a conversation than a speech anyway, so this may be a good way for you to get the tone right.

Example of a eulogy

Once you've worked through the tips on how to write a eulogy, this detailed example will clarify any points still unclear.

The eulogy is about the deceased, not you, so avoid starting with, "I will miss Sarah so much." Your first word should be the deceased's name, "Sarah was my best friend."

The next sentence or two should describe your relationship because not everyone in attendance will know who you are. "We have known each other since the first day of school, and confided in each other ever since."

The deceased led a full and varied life. Decide what aspect you would like to focus on and what you feel is her essence. It personalizes the eulogy without spreading you too thin. "Sarah was a wonderful mother, wife and teacher of 20 years."

What personal characteristics or attitude differentiated her from other people in that role?

Mention an accomplishment or something people may not know. "You may not know that Sarah was a national swimming champion in her youth. For the past few years she mentored a group of youngsters in a disadvantaged community who have made great progress in their swimming careers."

Reveal character traits in a humorous way. "Sarah believed in discipline and good behavior. As a child she told her dolls to be quiet. More recently when she was socializing and things got out of hand, she would give her adult friends 'the look'."

Describe a situation where the deceased could be imagined by all. "If Sarah were here now, she would be wearing her smart navy suit she reserved for weddings and funerals. She would listen carefully to each speaker and then make sure lunch is served without a hitch. The minute she got home, off would come her heels and she would romp with the dogs."

Describe an occasion which will reveal something about her character and what excited her.

If religious, mention something along the lines, "Sarah is in a better place now, with her mom and dad, and I know she's watching over us."

Say what you miss most about her. "I'll miss our long chats and her mouthwatering cheesecake."

State what you will never forget about her and give examples.

Respectfully and in a humorous way say what you won't miss or what life will be like without her. "Now that she has gone, our get-togethers may become too raucous."

What would you like to say to the deceased? Put your feelings into words, "I feel lost without her." While the rest of the eulogy is in the third person, these feelings are expressed in the first person.

Say how you've been influenced by Sarah. "She has taught me about being honest, how to be efficient in my kitchen, and being strict yet fair with my children."

Describe how you have learned from Sarah by following her example, "Because of Sarah I have become a better mom, wife and friend. Thank you Sarah."

[Side note: How are you doing so far? When consulting tips on how to write a eulogy, you'll come across contradictory advice. Consider it all and go with what feels right. Let's continue.]

Talk about the values of the deceased. "Sarah was honest to the point of being blunt. And she always did her absolute best."

Ask yourself how the deceased would like to be remembered, and include that.

Mention how her death has affected you. "She didn't complain when she was ill. She did what had to be done with dignity, right until the end."

Name family and friends that need to be named, wishing them peaceful and good memories.

Again mention how you feel. "Her death has come as such a shock, we still can't believe it."

Read a poem or scripture verse, perhaps with a theme of courage and inspiration.

When you've finished, ask yourself if you succeeded in conveying the personality of your loved one. Is it sincere, personal and intimate?

Review your eulogy

Knowing how to write a eulogy is one thing, reading it out loud tells you if it works or not. Make changes until it sounds natural.

Read it aloud to friends and family to get their input. They'll point out unsuitable topics, stilted wording, tell you if it flows smoothly and if you speak too quickly.

If you are one of several speakers, time yourself and edit your talk until it takes no more than three minutes (about three pages single line spacing).

If you're the only speaker, make it around five minutes, or ten at the most. Any longer and you will bore the audience.

Leave your speech overnight. The next day go through it with a fresh eye and make any revisions.