Steps of grieving

Having a loved one die is a huge shock, especially when death is sudden.

You wonder how you can possibly continue living. When the conflicting emotions of anger, sorrow, loneliness, shame, sadness, guilt and anxiety accompany grief, it adds to the stress.

Although mourning differs for everyone, these steps of grieving will guide you through the healing process. Going through every one in no particular order, you'll ultimately accept the person's death and feel a kind of peace.

Avoiding or not working through each stage may be tempting, but simply prolongs your sorrow and affects your physical and emotional well-being in the days to come.

Interestingly, grief professionals say real grieving only starts where the 5 stages of grief - denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance - finish off; when your friends no longer call, when others think the worst of your grieving is over and you should be and back to your old self.

The steps of grieving can be summed up by the initials TEAR:

T = To learn to live with your loss
E = Experience the heartache of losing your beloved
A = Adjusting to life without the departed
R = Reinvesting in a new reality

Accept your loss

Denying the loss of someone close to you by acting as though things are the same, doesn't work. Accept your loved one has gone and isn't coming back.

Get through the next hour

In the beginning, shock and horror will override all other emotions. You won't want to continue living without the deceased by your side. Things previously done automatically, seem unnatural. Living hour by hour reassures you when you successfully do mundane tasks, such as get up in the morning, change clothes, eat meals and take a bath.

Get through today

Once you realize you will survive the loss, focus on making it through the day. Soak up the support from people in your community, friends and family. Knowing you can count on them is invaluable when it comes to your recovery.

Spend time alone to immerse yourself in your pain without trying to be strong for others. Holding in intense emotion is unhealthy, yet if others see you lose control they'll feel uncomfortable.

Look after yourself

Dealing with death and the steps of grieving is exhausting work; stressful too. It depletes you emotionally and physically, so rest often, sleep a lot and don't over-exert yourself.

Seeking comfort in food or alcohol, being consumed by work or avoiding life by sleeping, all prolong grieving. Rather develop a routine. Automatic tasks around self-care require little thought but lend structure to your day which you'll find comforting.

Eat healthily and if you don't feel like eating, wash down a multi-vitamin pill with a meal replacement drink. Shower or bath daily.

When you feel you're at the end of your tether, do something - meditate, pray, drive, scream, hit and kick a punching bag, go for a run - without feeling guilty.

You'll cry often, sometimes in public. Don't be embarrassed, it's cathartic and normal when grieving.

Have faith

Those who believe in a higher power fare better when grieving. Prayer and meditation strengthen you. In fact, praying only during life's low points is poor practice; prayers of thanks and being grateful in good times are just as important.

Learning to live without the deceased

Loss changes you and your everyday life. If your husband was the breadwinner and he died, you need to now make decisions and provide for the family. Besides losing your lover and companion, you may need to take on tasks that previously he took care of, such as driving.

When a beloved pet dies, you may feel equally bereft. Adjusting to the void, no matter whether it's your partner, child, parent or pet, sometimes takes years.

No set timetable exists for grief and the steps of grieving. Your life may feel empty, but healing begins when you acknowledge your loss, take part in life, albeit tentatively, and you gradually start socializing.

Stay busy

Although burying yourself in activity can be a way of avoiding dealing with loss, in order to get through each day, doing something constructive makes you feel useful. Either do things which appeal to you. If nothing does, muster the strength to do things which need doing. Cleaning your house, scrubbing and gardening all require physical effort. For those suffering from insomnia, exerting yourself doing housework, walking, swimming laps or yoga will ensure you sleep well.

Write

Keeping a journal or writing poetry serves as a wonderful outlet for your feelings during bereavement. Mourning is a lonely time and writing allows you to express intense emotions, becoming quite therapeutic. Months later, you might find it useful to go back and read what you've written to note your progress during your grieving journey.

Tak about the deceased

Re-living the past and sharing stories of the deceased helps you get used to the new relationship you have with that person, yet also keeps them vividly alive in your mind. Set aside a part of your heart only for your beloved so you'll always feel their presence, yet also continue living.

Feeling disloyal when you find yourself enjoying life, is flawed thinking. Preserving special memories without feeling overwhelmed, is one of the important steps of grieving.

Spells of intense heartarche are normal, so whenever it occurs, don't think you're backsliding.

Tangible reminders of your loved one may comfort you. Wearing a locket, displaying a photograph at your bedside, assembling a montage of your favorite photographs, all serve as gratifying ways to commemmorate their lives.

When my father died, with the kind permission of our botanical society we organised for a bench to be set up at a pretty spot in the gardens. Even years later, sitting quietly on that bench, serves as a loving reminder of the bond we share.

Love's stronger than grief. You'll always love that person and he or she will always love you, even though they're no longer physically here. Remember that whenever you seek comfort.

Help others

Every one of us is connected, and you have the means to inspire others. Regardless of the trauma you endured, there is always someone in a worse situation than you. Sharing your story, volunteering and helping others is the best remedy for your sorrow, yet at the same time improves other people's lives.

As you work through these steps of grieving may God be with you.

Photo: Shi Yali